Behind the Thousand Smiles

You look so pretty when you smile, he says.

Keep Smiling they all say. Some say your teeth look crooked, so try keeping your mouth shut while smiling. Some say it’s better that you laugh, some say it isn’t. No matter what they say, I smile, coz its my armour. It saves me from false sympathies, and pitying eyes.

As a child innocent and bright, I laughed and played, little did I know the meaning behind those forced hugs and kisses, the reason behind them making me sit on the lap. The day I understood, I was horrified, angry, in pain and distressed and most importantly scared of the world around.

And things just grew worse with time. On some days, an ominous presence followed me around, bared me with the sneering gaze, whistled and leered at me. But, in midst of my friends I smiled. On other days, a hand groped me in the bus, prodded me from the sides. On some days, I was insulted by words. “Too progressive, too modern, look at that dress, Aye haaye… Chamiya…. Are palat na meri jaan, oye maal, pataka, wow look at the Goods man!” Forlorn and annoyed, I still smiled when my friends too laughed at such remarks. On some days, I was stifled, stuck in the corner of a crowded bus or train, flashed at in midst of the crowd, and from the corner of my eye I watched as another girl underwent the same plight.

I vowed to be strong. Started a stare-athon, but I failed. I ignored them, laughed and walked around the streets, strongly gripping the pocket knife or the pair of scissors in my bag. I have walked through it all, now I think I am stronger, wiser, more cautious and more prepared. I know what to avoid, and where to put a STOP when it come to being friendly. Yet, the trauma still remains, the unpleasant memory still haunts me.

So, to hide it all, the pain, the disgust, the anger, the fear… ‘I SMILE’. I hide it all Behind the Thousand Smiles.

For the longest period of time I preferred not to talk or discuss about it. But, then I realized why not? It wasn’t my fault. The people who did it were the ones in fault-sick, crazy or whatever. I might not get an apology, nor be emotionally healed, yet if my saying it out loud makes a difference then so be it. Today when women around the globe share their experience, I gather the courage to say #Meetoo, but no more. Moreover, this is not just about women, it’s about children, about men and transgenders too. So it is #ustoo #wetoo #weallhave.

This is Satrangee Parachute, hoping to witness change and grow stronger with time.