The Things we Never Say

Hi Friends,

A lot has happened since I last published the post, “Then Life Happened“, that’s because life hit us real hard the very next day. It’s been 5 months now, but the pain remains raw and fresh as it was on that evening, on 10 of January 2018. And to think that he never really read anything that I wrote, except for the short stories I wrote back in school. This is for you Papa.

2018, a year that began with great hopes, wasn’t as sweet and smooth as I had hoped it to be. Was it me leaving the keys behind the locked doors or was it something else? I kept looking for positive notes, for some sign that would say that the year would be good. It took just 10 days to burst the bubble, shatter every ounce of hope I had. Who would have imagined that, just 10 days after I happily said Happy New Year to the people I love, I would lose the person to whom I never could really say it all.

Were we close? Not much, but we weren’t distant either. We did talk, about this and that. A bit less than when I was younger, but more than when I was going through my turbulent teens and early twenties. Marriage had kind of renewed our Father-daughter relationship. Brought us closer. I had started to visit home more often than before, thanks to the job flexibility too. We talked, at times about stuff we like, the general dislikes. As always, I never failed to put my thoughts across either as a backlash or as a vocal opinion. At times he would stomp out angrily, the patriarch in him would never bow down.  While on other occasions he would listen, debate, and be open to discussions. He was a man with different faces, different moods, different habits. And in all those years I had come to know him, the reasons, the familial conditions, the situations that had made him the person that he was.

We knew each other. But, he was never really the person to remember dates and stuff. So, be it birthdays or his own wedding Anniversary, he needed constant reminders. But that was him, and we had come to accept him the way he was. But, yet at times we failed to fathom what he constantly pondered upon, where his thoughts took him. But then again, we are just humans, and not even psychologists at that to know a person in and out. Goes without saying, that the people who claim to know me, know just a part of me.

In all that knowing, understanding, loving, caring, planning and all the stuff that we do, nothing prepared me for the time when I lost him forever. It’s just the physical presence that has gone, his memories will forever be etched in my heart and mind. But, what about the things that I failed to say, what about things he wanted to say?

It’s those unsaid words, the things we omit or fail to say out loud, that leaves this huge gap in your heart. A void that stays with you, for how long? I don’t really know. And, a lingering thought that always begins with “I wish, I had….”

And though I never really said that out loud, “Papa, I do Love you.” And I know that, “I am, because you were.”

I wish you had read the blogs I posted, I wish you had seen the learning content I designed, I wish you could watch me drive, i wish ….I wish…i wish….

I have to live with the words buried in my heart, all the things that I never said. Hope from somewhere out there you can hear it all, the spoken and the unspoken. Some day when I pour out my heart on the paper, will the pain be eased?

With turbulent thoughts, this is Satrangee Parachute wandering through the memory skies.

Adios until next time Amigos.